Frustration

It seems like every time things seem to be going so well, the bottom falls out and things go straight to the crapper again. I finally got a call about my new job yesterday, and it turns out that after having offered and received an acceptance for the position, it was rejected at the highest level by the director of finance. Apparently the company was about to be sold, and not only did the sale of the company fall through, but also the CEO of the company resigned, resulting in a drop in share price and a gloomy outlook for the future of the company. They put a temporary freeze on all hiring.

On the other hand, they offered me a temporary contract position—paying twice as much—but with no benefits or paid time off or anything like that. However, it’s only three months.

After much deliberation between A and me, I’ve decided to take it. We can save more during these next three months just in case I am jobless once my term ends, and during my stay there, I will buckle down and start looking hard for a new job—at least an hour every night, and more on the weekends—in hopes that I can have something else lined up as soon as my time is over.

It may sound crazy, but as I said before, I really hate what I’m doing now. Really. Really. Hate it. The new job has better pay and a better title, and despite the hard time the company is facing at the moment, the company is very well known and has a great reputation overall. It will look better on a resume than my coordinator position with The Law Firm right now, and it will get me Out Of Marketing, which is key for my sanity.

So I’m taking a gamble. There’s a chance in three months I may be heading to pick up an unemployment check, but then there’s also a chance that the job could turn into a full time position after three months. I (obviously) would prefer the latter. I have been looking forward to the job so much.

In the meantime, I have already applied for another job and begun that search.

I am praying that all the contract information will come through today or tomorrow so that I can turn in my resignation tomorrow. My boss is going to be out all next week, so it is pretty crucial that we get this taken care of so that I don’t have to resign over the phone!!!

Being better

I read this on another “Mommy Blog” today:

…even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard.

I have decided to make this my mantra. I will post it on my computer at work, on my refrigerator, in my car and on my bathroom mirror, and whenever I don’t want to do to something or just don’t feel like it, I will repeat as needed.

When I don’t feel like making up a meal plan and going to the grocery store and Farmers’ Market, I will think about how good it feels to know that I save money by cooking rather than ordering in and how good it feels to know that I am nourishing my family’s bodies with good, fresh, (at least moderately) healthy home-cooked meals.

When I don’t feel like cleaning the house or doing laundry, I will think about how good it feels to sit on my front porch with my neighbor and a glass of wine, and how thankful I am to have this house to clean, and all the good people and things that came along with it.

I will remember this, and I will work for those moments when things are better.

I’m back…

After a year of being off, I have decided to restart my blog. The reasons I quit are many… Not enough time… Not enough energy… Those are the two biggest reasons. But there are other, more important and less mundane reasons, as well.

1. I feel that a blog, to be read, must OFFER its readers something.
   
   I’m not talking complimentary wristbands or paperweights or anything like that. And I think it has to be stronger than advice because who’s going to go to a blog to get advice, right? I mean, you use Wikipedia for that. (God help us.)
   
   So I was trying to offer my “Momtastic things”, but to be honest now that Bryleigh is a toddler and getting set in her ways and routine, I’m finding fewer and fewer “Momtastic things” because fewer things are new to me and to my daughter.
   
   Anyway, to get back on topic, my conclusion is this. I still have nothing to offer, but I think the writing will be cathartic for me. So I have decided that I am going to pledge one hour to this five days every week. I will set my timer on my phone and will just go, and if I don’t finish a post in that hour, then I will put it on hold and save it for the next day’s hour. My plan is to do this either first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and I plan to set up my laptop in my guest room at my old wicker desk from college for the occasion, and I will tape things to the wall that I find inspirational.
   
   I will offer my readers nothing and will expect no readers in return!
   


2. I have been severely unhappy with my job.
   
   When my husband and I moved from London to Atlanta, we discovered within two weeks that we were pregnant. This proved problematic in that we hadn’t even found a place to live yet.
   
   We were still living in “Corporate Housing” (ie, a tiny little apartment in Midtown paid for by Uncle PwC), and driving rental car (also paid for by Uncle PwC) because we’d sold ours before the overseas move three years prior.
   
   I began applying for jobs and set up the interview with The Law Firm for which I currently work before we’d even received the shipment of all our clothes, meaning the only clothes I had from which to choose to wear to my interview were those that we’d taken with us on our three-month drive through Europe. I wore a black polyester dress with ruffles all over the front, with a black cotton blazer that was slightly faded with wear, and I had to go to Target to get a pair of heels to wear. I am honestly surprised they offered me the job.
   
   After I had my first interview with The Law Firm, I discussed the job with A and decided that I would not take it. It was a huge step down from what I was doing in London, and they’d told me flat out in the in the interview that there was zero chance for advancement in this position. It was in Marketing—something I desperately did not want to do. I’m an editor.
   
   And then we found out I was going to have Bryleigh. We were scared shitless, but what could we do? So we said, okay, that job that I didn’t want? We’ll take it after all.
   
   And we need it yesterday.
   
   So when they called to offer me the position, that’s what I did. And I’ve been miserable ever since.
   
   That unhappiness in my job has also caused unhappiness at home, though. I am miserable at work, and A keeps telling me that I’m going to continue to be unhappy until I buckle down and really work on my resume and portfolio and start looking and applying for jobs. And he means it.
   
   He wants me to come in every evening—which is at 6:30 after picking up the kid and sitting in traffic, by the way—play with kid and the dogs while cooking dinner, give the kid a bath, read her a story, put her to bed, clean the kitchen, feed the dogs, prepare whatever I can of the next night’s dinner, get the coffee ready, prepare Bryleigh’s morning sippycup and the dogs’ breakfasts, pick up the house, do some laundry and then spend whatever time I have left before passing out for the night searching for jobs and working on my resume.
   
   Now, don’t get me wrong—A is not Super Husband, but he’s not Dickhead Husband either. He helps out with some of the stuff above, so I’m not doing everything every night.
   
   But still even if I only do half of the above, it’s usually nine or 10 o’clock by the time it’s all finished, and at that point I’m ready to get in bed, read or watch television for half an hour, and then pass out for the night. What I do not want to do at 10 o’clock at night is fire up our slow-as-Christmas ancient-relic-from-2006 of a computer and start marketing myself to strangers.
   
   And the other problem is that he would do it.
   
   When A puts his mind to something, he does it. He got "let go" from Uncle PwC? Found a better job in a flash (though it didn’t feel like a flash—to him or to me).
   
   Decided to take the GMAT so that he could potentially go back to school and get his MBA? Studied at least two hours if not more every single weeknight and all day every weekend during a beautiful summer that I spent at the pool with the in-laws and the baby, and he passed that GMAT on the first try with flying colours.
   
   Decided to get into Duke’s executive MBA program? Did all the research, the prep work, the interviews, the essays, the begging for recommendations, and so on, and go in—again with flying colours.
   
   I blame the drugs. He takes these wonderful little attention-focusing prescription pills that help him concentrate on the task at hand, whereas I do not. It’s all I can do to sit through a 30-minute television sitcom some nights.
   
   The difference is that he has been diagnosed with an attention problem, and I have not, nor do I think I should be.
   
   When I get home and finish everything that needs to be done, it’s not that I can’t focus on what needs to be done (ie, finding another job); the problem is that I don’t want to do it.
   
   You can never finish what you never start.
   
   So each night, I may want to come home and write a bit for my blog, but I can’t because I know that I should be looking for jobs.
   
   This problem, however, has been fixed. I have found another job. I hope. I have been waiting to receive my official letter since December 22nd. They said it would arrive on December 30th or January 3rd. It still has not arrived. I keep following up with them, and they keep telling me that everything is okay and on track, that they’re just waiting on one signature, but the department is backed up, so just be patient. I am so frustrated I could die. I was supposed to be starting my new job on Monday. Now I wonder if I’ll have even been able to turn in my two-week resignation by then.
   
   Anyway, I am hoping that once (if ever) I start my new job, I will no longer feel guilty about keeping a blog rather than looking for jobs, and I can be cathartic and write an hour a day and be happy.

So I’m blogging again. As I said before, if anyone is reading this, thank you, but until I figure out where this is going, I won’t be offering you anything in return.